Are you being stonewalled by your partner

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By Saanchi Khanna

 

Does your partner cut you off when you're talking about something that bothers you?
Do they change the topic?
Do they leave you hanging in the middle of a conflict?
Do they abruptly end uncomfortable conversations?
Do they refuse to listen to others' points of view?
Do they refuse to accept compromise or collaborate?
Does it feel like you're talking to a wall?
Do you feel like there's an invisible stone wall between you two when you try to talk to them?

 

If the answer is yes, you're being Stonewalled by your partner. Conflicts happen; we all bicker, and therefore communication is crucial in a relationship. Only when you're able to communicate well can the relationship stand the test of time.

 

What is stonewalling, then?

 

Simply put, it is when your partner intentionally refuses to talk to you during an argument, commonly known as the silent treatment. It's not like when you leave an idea to calm yourself down; it's instead a means of just shoving the conflict under a rug where you go and don't come back and talk about it. It is also the refusal to communicate or express emotions and usually happens during arguments. This avoidance to share his frustration makes the other partner angry. It also harms the other person and can be harmful to the relationship. If this becomes a habit, it impacts the ability to resolve conflicts as conflicts are only avoided and not fully resolved here.

 

Stonewalling starts little and later becomes a means of reacting to all the conflicts in the relationship. Some people also use it as a defense mechanism. Disputes can be overwhelming, but the way to resolve them is to have that uncomfortable talk and not avoid it together. Some people fear arguments or feel too overwhelmed by them and thus practice stonewalling their partner.

 

It is broadly characterized by the following behaviors or actions, which can be subtle or very much in your face at times:

 

  • -Refusal to talk about feelings and emotions or ignore them
  • -Changing the subject
  • -Excuses to not talk
  • -Passive-aggressive behavior
  • -Walking out of an argument
  • -General discomfort in expressing
  • -Minimizing others' feelings and experiences
  • -No eye contact or Non-Verbal communication
  • -Giving no explanation or reason for their walking out
  • -Never accepting they do all of the above
What causes these behaviors?

 

The behaviors aren't fair to the other person, but they are not always coming from the wrong place. For example, sometimes we avoid conversations and arguments because we feel too much, too overwhelmed, anxious, anger even fears of losing someone. Some common causes of such behaviors are:

 

  • -Fear of their partner's reaction
  • -The belief that “They can't handle the situation or truth.”
  • -Hopelessness
  • -They want to reduce the tension by avoiding the talk altogether
  • -Sometimes to also manipulate the situation in their favor
  • -In severe cases, a means even to end the relationship
  • -It is used as an avoidance based defense mechanism by people
Effects or impacts of stonewalling on the relationship

 

Stonewalling is not good news for the connection. It impacts both the relationship and the parties involved psychologically and biologically. It diminishes a couple's ability to resolve conflicts. When there's no talk about the issue or the problem, it never gets solved in the first place, causing tension throughout. These things manifest later and when there are only conflicts and inbuilt anger and frustration that doesn't look good for the relationship's survival.

 

Intentional Stonewalling: This is when your partner voluntarily uses this tactic to manipulate you, control the situation, and as a means of punishment. This is not the kind of behavior you should let go of, as they're inflicting pain on you knowingly. They do this in an argument can also vary and generally happens in extreme cases.

 

Unintentional stonewalling: Sometimes, our partners fear our reaction and do this to avoid conflict. They may have also learned this response as a child from their parents and don't see this as an incorrect response.
Effects or impacts of stonewalling on the relationship
Stonewalling is not good news for the connection. It impacts both the relationship and the parties involved psychologically and biologically. It diminishes a couple's ability to resolve conflicts. When there's no talk about the issue or the problem, it never gets solved in the first place, causing tension throughout. These things manifest later and when there are only conflicts and inbuilt anger and frustration that doesn't look good for the relationship's survival. The reactions caused by ignorance can be even more disastrous.
When ignored, the partner feels disvalued, demeaned, stressed out, unimportant, useless, and even small, and with this frustration, anxious, and they also react. It even can cause high blood pressure, headaches, rapid heart rate, etc. Those reactions are not very positive or calm. It only escalates the issue even further.

 

Revise your position as a couple: When one partner uses this tactic, they lose their essence as a couple and don't think for the other person. Therefore, they need to come in contact with the reality that another person is involved in this equation, and their actions impact them too.

 

Revise your communication tactics: Stonewalling is a technique that involves distancing away from talking or communicating. Therefore, it is essential to revise this avoidance and communicate with each other even if it feels uncomfortable.

 

Talk to a therapist or Talk therapy: A professional like a therapist, or

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a counselor taking couples therapy can help the relationship by following a professional protocol and methods. In addition, they can help you understand the source of the issue.

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